Posts tagged Addicitons

Boundaries

A friend of mine is in her girlfriend’s wedding.  This is the first wedding she’s been asked to participate in and she had no idea what type of cost would be involved in the role of bridesmaid.  She just moved out of her parents’ home.  She’s paying her way through school, supporting herself in her new apartment and working two jobs.

The dress is $200, the hemming is $60, the shoes are $80 and now the bachelorette party and the bruch the day after the wedding are part of what she’s expected to pay for as well.  With the shower gift, the wedding gift and the other extras not mentioned, she’s at over $500 in cost.   My friend doesn’t spend this kind of money on herself – and she doesn’t have this kind of money to spend on anything.  She wouldn’t be able to, or expected to pay this much to be in her own sister’s wedding.  The bride’s expectations appear to be out of control, and no one has said anything to her about it.  My friend and the other bridesmaids have now developed a resentment toward the bride about the exorbitant costs incurred and the hardships this is creating for them.

The 12 Step programs talk about self will run riot – this appears to be just such a case.  The 12 Step programs also talk about being rigorously honest.  No one has yet let the bride know the hardships they are facing with these costs.  So here’s a perfect opportunity for my friend to get honest, humble herself and address the facts of the situation.  She’s decided to ask the bride for help to pay for some of the costs of the wedding attire, and also let the maid of honor know that she can participate in the bachelorette party if it’s a pot luck to which she’ll be happy to bring a dish, but that she can’t afford to share in any further costs for these events.  She’s also letting the bride know that she won’t be able to afford the bridal brunch the day after (which the bride just announced would have to be paid for by the bridesmaids because her parent’s gave her a financial boundary).  I’ve offered moral support to her regarding being  honest  and requesting assistance.  Her requests are reasonable and appropriate.  We get to take care of our side of the street in life, make reasonable requests and put the results in God’s hands.  My friend has learned much from this situation.  She’ll surely politely decline any future requests to be in weddings, or give the prospective bride her budget limitations up front to avoid any misunderstandings, stress or potential resentments.  Setting helpful boundaries is a learning process and we have the support of our fellows when we face these new situations.  It’s part of becoming responsible and accountable.  We are in good company as we learn to set these  boundaries and it does become easier.  Progress, not perfection.

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Miracles Happen

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For several months, a portion of my life has appeared to be on hold because of a loved one’s illness.  My perspective on it is that it’s been teaching me patience and tolerance.  Others have not quite seen it that way.  They’ve appeared to have more upset about it than me.

What’s actually been happening from my view is that my Higher Power has been teaching me to be in the moment – a great lesson in learning to want what we have instead of having what we want.  My focus has been on me instead of on my loved one and the results of that in my life are the miracles that follow.  I have been blessed with several lovely, talented, willing women to sponsor who inspire and teach me on a daily basis.  The garden that my husband and I had talked about planting in the past couple years I was able to plant with the help of friends – it’s been a cathartic experience that has served as a form of meditation and wonder.  Now that production is starting I will learn to can – something I’ve always wanted to do!  All winter we can enjoy the fruits of our harvest!  I’m so excited!  I return to school soon to start a new graduate program in a field that I enjoy, and which will help me do work that serves people in a way that matters to me.   My loved one appears to be making healing progress.  Our home is now more decluttered and peaceful than ever and it feels soooooo comfortable!  I am more peaceful, calm and comfortable than ever before in my life.

In fact, I’ve had a new experience – perfect days.  This summer it’s occurred to me several times that I was having a perfect day.  Really.  I didn’t know that was possible.  Some of these days had challenges, but they weren’t a crisis, just a situation to address.  This is a new experience for me to have on such a regular basis, perfect days.  I’ve been happy, and in a condition to do the next thing in front of me to do.  I’ve been a late bloomer – no judgement, just an observation.  And that’s okay.  Now I know how to enjoy life.  Apparently, it took what came before to get me to this place of contentment and pure, simple pleasure in life.  If I’d known it would be this nice, I’d probably have felt much more comfortable with letting go.  We all have our own path, and this has been mine.  The miracles of this summer have been so worth it.  Thank You God.

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Affirmation for the Day – ” I have a wonderful life.”

Remember to say the affirmation at least 3 times whenever you remember it, preferably in front of a mirror.

Course In Miracles Lesson –  Love, Which created me, is what I am.

Practice – Father, my thanks to You for what I am; for keeping my Identity untouched and sinless in the midst of all the thoughts of sin my foolish mind made up.  And thanks to You for saving me from them.  Amen.

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Choosing Solutions Again

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Each and every day we have the option to choose solutions or problems.  In other words, we can choose to be stuck in either one. I choose to be stuck in solutions.

What has helped me is to have a list of solution activities on my refridgerator that I can refer to when the brain freeze of insanity and insecurity hit.  On that list are the following:  call my sponsor or someone else for support, pray the Serenity prayer, clean, go to a meeting, read the Big Book, go for a walk, eat, journal, do another Gratitude List, meditate, say affirmations -” I am completely lovable.”  That last one always makes me smile and changes the energy in my body. What was going on in my head was only thoughts.  They aren’t real.  I don’t have to give them life by sitting in them, and taking action on them today.   The activities on my refridgerator work.  They return me to sanity and serenity, when I do them.

Page 552 of the Big Book tells us what to do if we have a resentment.  Pray for the person, place or thing against whom we have the resentment.  Ask for what we want for us to be given to them.  It doesn’t even matter if we mean it.  And, it works.  Eventually, we do mean it.  I know that from experience – it always works.  As I take actions that are focused on the solutions in all things, my feelings change.  I become softer, more flexible, happier, more relaxed.  I laugh often and people appear to be more attracted to me.  It doesn’ t matter to me how it works.  I don’t want to figure it out – I can be in acceptance.  Since I’m not a scientist, the how of it all is of little consequence.  And letting that part of it go means that I can be truly present in the moment.  Solutions focus absolutely takes less energy to do.  It may feel a bit uncomfortable at first, but I get over it.  “This too shall pass,” as the 12 Step slogan goes.  And it does.

Affirmation for the Day – ” I am completely lovable.”

Remember to say the affirmation at least 3 times whenever you remember it, preferably in front of a mirror.

Course In Miracles Lesson –  This is my holy instant of release.

Practice – Father, Father, it is today that I am free because my will is Yours.  I thought to make another will.  Yet nothing that I  thought apart from You exists.  And I am free because I was mistaken and did not affect my own reality at all by my illusions.  Now I give them up and lay them down before the feet of truth, to be removed forever from my mind.  This is my holy instant of release.  Father, I know my will is one with Yours.

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