One of my newer sponsees is just starting to do her 4th Step. She tells me that she’s had two other sponsors who didn’t give her direction and guidance on doing the 4th Step, nor did they give her any deadline by which to finish the Step.
While these aren’t an excuse, what I’ve learned from experience is that it’s helpful to actively move through the action or process of doing the Steps with the people I sponsor. My first sponsor did that with me and it helped me process through the Steps and make progress. This particular woman felt lost, confused and had been overthinking the 4th Step for many months, over 2 years, with two different sponsors. When I told her she had a week to do the inventory for Step 4 she thought she’d heard me incorrectly. I assured her that she heard correctly. The reason for this instruction is that it’s important to get through this particular exercise as briskly and thoroughly as possible. Once we start the process, information comes to us quickly. Then, we take the next week to see what else floats to the surface that we didn’t recall during our intentional action of doing the inventory. The act of seeking the information starts a process in the brain that can continue involuntarily over the next several days bringing more memories to our awareness that we’d long forgotten. After this following week of letting memories percolate to the surface of her awareness, we’ll proceed to the 5th Step.
I suggest also, that sponsees inform family members and spouses that they will be doing some work that may lead them to seem a bit anxious or out of sorts at times over the next few weeks. If the sponsee doesn’t catch themselves in a , their family members can also gently alert them, with a predetermined phrase, and the sponsee can call their sponsor or another member of 12 Step programs for support and help to process any upset so that it isn’t impacting loved ones at home. We are responsible for our actions through the process of doing the Steps too. The process isn’t meant to happen at other people’s expense during this or any other phase. It’s a journey, and we are not alone. Many have gone before us.
The brevity of the two week time span also offers us a target date, a light at the end of the tunnel. It limits the amount of time that one spends in the recall of actions and feelings that we’re not proud of or enjoying thinking about again. Remember, Step 4 inventory is who we aren’t. We call these memories forth as a tool to honestly face our past – where we became lost - and to help us later right our wrongs, our mistakes, so that we can move forward unencumbered by the guilt, shame, embarassment, anxiety and discomfort we feel at the thought of them. The end result is we have a spiritual awakening and we become happy, joyous and free as the Big Book promises – as a result of doing these Steps.
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Affirmation for the Day – ” I am willing to grow.”
Remember to say the affirmation at least 3 times whenever you remember it, preferably in front of a mirror.
Course In Miracles Lesson – Let all things be exactly as they are.
Practice – In Let me not be Your critic, Lord, today, and judge against You. Let me not attempt to interfere with Your creation and distort it into sickly forms. Let me be willing to withdraw my wishes from its unity and thus to let it be as You created it. For thus will I be able too, to recognize my Self as You created me. In love was I created, and in love will I remain forever. What can frighten me when I let all things be exactly as they are?
bill said,
September 29, 2009 @ 1:52 am
Thank you for this post. The affirmation and Course In Miracles Lesson,where exactly what I needed for where I am at right now. May the God of your understanding bless you.
solutions00 said,
October 2, 2009 @ 9:37 am
Thank you for your comment – I love how God inspires us all. – Namaste
beyondtheendoftheroad said,
September 29, 2009 @ 7:37 am
One of the things I give to my guys and those who ask for experience is that the 4th Step is na inventory of how I feel about the events, realtionships, situations, etc. today. Not how I felt about them when I was 4 or 14 or 24. An inventory is one of perspective and feelings today. We don’t inventory old feelings, although we do look at our resentments which is nothing more than reliving past events over and over, it is more important on how I feel about things today.
Excellent Post!
solutions00 said,
October 2, 2009 @ 9:32 am
Thanks for your comment and your kind and thoughtful response. It seems the perspective can be both past and present – the shame about what we did in the past is usually felt in the present. However, the 4th Step inventory as it was taught to me is a tool which we use to assess our motivations from the past situations so that we can retool our behaviors going forward. Awareness is half the solution – if we don’t recognize what triggered us, we won’t know to replace it. Surrounding ourselves with people who have what we want helps us with the new, more helpful behaviors.
What I’ve found is that in adding a 4th column “Emotions/ feelings”which focuses on the feelings/emotions at the time which triggered our behaviors, we learn what were the most triggering emotions for us (they usually still are when we arrive in the programs) – jealousy, embarrassment, fear, shame – and what were the most common types of “acting-out behaviors” that we reacted with. The “affects my” column only deals with character. The fourth column emotional inventory has been very helpful in identifying the reacting patterns from the past that may still be operating, so we can start to apply new responses when similar occassions and feelings occur in the future. The patterns take time to rewire in our neuro-pathways. I’m still rewiring a few after years as new situations occur. When we know better we do better. It’s been very helpful for me personally and for those I sponsor with developing “new game plans” for the future.