February 9, 2010
· Filed under 12 Step Programs, 12 Steps, AA, Alanon, Alcoholics Anonymous, Recovery, Sobriety, Uncategorized
Today I woke up to another beautiful white blanket of snow. Where we live, snow happens often in the Winter. This year we’re having less sunshine than normal for our Winter season and it’s a great opportunity to focus on what’s good about the weather, instead of how dark and dreary the day to the eye.
My teachers of how to focus on what I like, what’s good, and what there is to be grateful for come from 12 Step programs. At meetings, women and men have taught me how to find the “silver lining” in the darkest of days and the toughest of situations. Their courage and positive attitudes have taught me to have hope always, and develop patience. Somewhere in 12 Steps or some other philosophy is the idea that it’s the tough, unappealing times that teach us how wonderful the easy, attractive times truly are – everything’s relative. I can wear rose colored glasses and enjoy my day as p. 416-421 in Edition lV and 448-452 in Edition III of the AA Big Book tells me. Or, I can sit in the problem and waste the day. Accepting what is, and learning to find the positive and support it in my life is an answer that works for me.
There’s that Acceptance again. Something I used to fiercely resist, but which now I usually enthusiastically embrace. There are moments where my persistence faulters a bit, but usually, the acceptance wins out. Yeh! It’s so much easier, takes so much less energy and keeps me in the present moment most of the time. So today, the snow is beautiful, the house is warm, the cat is fed and I’m making good progress on my homework. I’m happy, and even though the website isn’t letting me post a beautiful picture today – I’ll add it when it’s working again – I’m happy to be able to focus on all my blessings, right now.
Affirmation for the Day – ” I am present in my life.”
Remember to say the affirmation at least 3 times whenever you remember it, preferably in front of a mirror.
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February 8, 2010
· Filed under 12 Step Programs, AA, Alanon, Alcoholics Anonymous, Recovery, Sobriety, Uncategorized
I’m sorry that my posts were sparse this last week. My course load in school is heavy and it’s causing me to learn about reasonable limits for my time and energy. In fact, it’s also teaching me about perfection. This week I was confused about what was due, when, and in what classes. Very unsettling. In fact, for the first time in my life I handed an assignment in late. Ugh! But, you know it is showing me how human I am. So I lost a few points. It gave me an opportunity to apologize to a teacher. A new experience. He understood, and he now has the assignment, even if it’s a day late. I’d already done all the reading, so it was a simple fix.
This is a new experience for me, and while humbling, it’s not the end of the world. There was a time where guilt would have hounded me. I’d have racked my brain about how I could have made such a mistake. I’d have beaten myself up for not being perfect. No more. There are tradeoffs for the choices we make in life. With 6 grad school classes anyone is bound to get a little confused. And I wasn’t the only one who was confused.
So, no harm done. My dignity and self esteem are in tact. I’m resigned to the fact that this semester is a challenge. And one of the solutions is to double check with a classmate about assignments due. In each class, there are a couple people whom I feel comfortable enough to call for confirmation on what’s due. They’ve all been happy to help, and it lowers my stress level to make sure I’m on track in this simple way. It’s also helping me get to know people who will be my colleagues in the field when we all graduate. Relatedness is a good thing. I feel very blessed by their kindness and the opportunity to be human with myself and others.
Affirmation for the Day – ” I am learning to be more human.”
Remember to say the affirmation at least 3 times whenever you remember it, preferably in front of a mirror.
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February 6, 2010
· Filed under Uncategorized · Tagged AA, Addictions, Alanon, Alcoholism, Codependency, Getting Better, Healing, Healthy Living, Progress, Recovery, Solutions, Working the Steps
Many of us are so used to setting ourselves up for crisis when we come to 12 Step programs. In many cases we were raised in a family environment of one crisis after the other. While we don’t like being in that heightened state of alert that crisis requires, it’s somewhat comfortable or familiar for us because we know how to operate in that mode so effectively. From a brain perspective, some of us are physiologically locked in that state. This is an instinct survival state. Seeking professional help to relieve us of the physical state of stress to our bodies, in partnership with working the 12 Steps, is a solution. And it is a sign of strength when we seek that help.
When we work the 12 Steps and start to see the miracles of the Program, we learn that it isn’t necessary to continue living our lives in this anxious state of hyper vigilance and stress. We start to set ourselves up for success instead of failure. We keep our eyes on our own side of the street, and just take care of our business instead of everyone elses. We stop making outrageous demands of others and lighten up about how our life operates on a daily basis. We slow down and make more room for what is most important to us. We may still get an adrenaline rush from the high of the crisis, but we don’t have to anymore. Instead we can learn how to feel satsified about creating a space for calm and peace to infiltrate our days. It takes so much less energy and is immensely satisfying. It also allows us to be more present for ourselves, and for others in more appropriate ways, so that we can be of maximum service to our Higher Power. This is a great gift that we give ourselves, and all those around us.
Affirmation for the Day – ” I am taking action for my own healing.”
Remember to say the affirmation at least 3 times whenever you remember it, preferably in front of a mirror.
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February 5, 2010
· Filed under Uncategorized · Tagged AA, Accountability, Addictions, Alanon, Alcoholism, Codependency, Focusing On Us, Healthy Living, Ownership, Recovery, Taking Ownersip For Us
What’s so great about “I” statements? They help us own our stuff.
In other words they help us to be accountable. When we speak from the “I” perspective it indicates that our focus if now on us – where it belongs. We are acknowledging our role, our part in situations. We are claiming ourselves, our decisions, what we think, what we feel, what we do and what we want. A member of the 12 Step programs told me once that it was okay to ask for what I want. Although I may not receive it, it’s important for me to communicate it to others. They can’t read my mind. And if my life has been filled with resentments because I didn’t know how to ask for what I wanted, that excuse won’t be available anymore. So we can all make requests for what we want. The outcome is in our Higher Power’s hands. And that is okay, because sometimes what we want isn’t what we need.
What’s important is to put it out there – “I would like it if….” We don’t need to sit around in a pity party about it anymore. If people aren’t hearing us after we state our request, then perhaps our sponsors can help us determine if we have other options. Maybe we need to spend time with a different group of people, or find a different job, or try a different style of delivery. It depends on the situation. Meanwhile, we are starting to take ownership and accountability for ourselves, and for where we’re headed in life. No need to keep blaming others. It didn’t work. We have responsibility for our futures, in the way each day happens. When we communicate, do what’s in front of us to do and focus on gratitude for all of the good in our lives – our lives improve. In the beginning, sometimes it gets worse first, but invariably things do start to work out, get better, if we let them.
Affirmation for the Day – ” I am responsible for me.”
Remember to say the affirmation at least 3 times whenever you remember it, preferably in front of a mirror.
– If you find this helpful, pass it on to others. For daily updates, press the orange RSS feed to the right for directions.
February 1, 2010
· Filed under Uncategorized · Tagged 12 Step Programs, AA, Addictions, Alanon, Alcoholism, Codependency, Emotions, Feelings, Healthy Living, Recovery, Safety, Thinking vs. Feeling
The other day it came to me that the most misused word in America seems to be “feel.” People say “I’m feeling that something isn’t working,” or “I feel that they don’t understand me,” or”I feel they should be doing it differently.” What they’re talking about is NOT what they’re feeling - it’s what they think or believe.
What they feel are emotions and the word ”that” doesn’t follow the words “I feel.” What does follow the words ”I feel” are as follows – angry, happy, sad, encouraged, excited, embarassed, confused, joyful, ashamed, vulnerable, safe, calm, anxious, uncomfortable, content, scared, agitated, hurt, peaceful to name a few. These are emotions/feelings. My body actually can actually feel these – my heart races, or relaxes, my blood pressure goes up or down accordingly, my face might flush, perhaps I talk louder or softer, or my stomach gets upset, or I smile or laugh. Feelings usually elicit physical responses from our bodies, and they seem to be based often times on what we think about something - anything. Our old patterned ways of interpreting situations are often the culprit for the uncomfortable feelings we experience. Sometimes we discover that our thoughts are mistaken beliefs, therefore, the feelings that go alone with them are mistaken and unnecessary as well.
It’s seems important to note the connection between what we think and what we feel. Examining the accuracy of our thoughts helps us have emotions that are appropriate for the situation. ”Pause when agitated,” is suggested by the 12 Step programs. When we pause to think, breathe and let ourselves experience emotions/feelings, we learn about the nuance of each type and we gain more appreciation for the pleasant feelings – because we allow ourselves to feel the less pleasant emotions also. What’s important for me to avoid is stuffing my feelings about situations. I can express them appropriately, respectfully and in a timely manner by using I statements – “I feel frustrated, sad, hurt,” And, “I feel happy, excited, satisfied.” I’ve learned that it’s safe for us to experience the entire range of emotions, because we’re not alone. We can count on other program members to walk through it with us. We are in good company.
Affirmation for the Day – ” I am learning to feel safely.”
Remember to say the affirmation at least 3 times whenever you remember it, preferably in front of a mirror.
– If you find this helpful, pass it on to others. For daily updates, press the orange RSS feed to the right for directions.
January 30, 2010
· Filed under Uncategorized · Tagged AA, Addictions, Alanon, Alcoholism, Codepenency, Healthy Living, Miracles, Progress, Recovery
A dear friend of mine is graduating from college today! She’s a member of 12 Step programs and has been a model for me of courage and generosity in action for decades now.
She was actually the first miracle that God presented in my life only a few weeks into the 12 Step programs. After telling a few people I needed to find a new place to live right after finishing a family program, I was led to her. This was a scarey time for me – detaching from an alcoholic fiancee was my main focus and I was far from my hometown. It was a non-program person who just told me her friend’s sister was looking for a new roommate. Lucky for me, I later discovered that she just happened to be a member of three different 12 Step programs. Two days later I moved in. My Higher Power works fast.
Her drinking and recovery interrupted her college career, but now after following a healthy life path including marriage, raising children, work, single motherhood and empty nesting she has just finished earning the bachelor’s degree that she had so wished she’d finished earlier in life. Perseverence and patience have paid off. She did it, and today she can savor that well deserved accomplishment. And thanks to the miracles of technology, we can all celebrate with her from hundreds of miles away with a live feed of the ceremony! She just walked by in the procession and took her seat. This is soooooo great! She is an example after more than 25 years of showing up at meetings, taking risks and trusting that her Higher Power will provide for her. She shows that working the 12 Step programs does make our lives improve. We can achieve and make welcome contributions to our communities. She’s provided a fine example for me to recently return to school. I’m grateful for her stable, humble presence in my life after all these years, and wish her continued success on the journey. What a blessing!
Affirmation for the Day – ” I am accomplishing my goals.”
Remember to say the affirmation at least 3 times whenever you remember it, preferably in front of a mirror.
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January 29, 2010
· Filed under Uncategorized · Tagged AA, Addictions, Alanon, Alcoholism, Codependency, Healthy Living, Progress, Recovery, Solutions, What Works, Working the Steps
I’ve noticed lately that when some people, particularly those who’ve been so hard on themselves and others, work Steps 4 through 9 they can often have the appearance of a lighter more energized presence. How they show up in life is markedly different. Truly, it can be remarkable.
My hat is off to them for their diligence in facing the fears that have veiled who they really are from both themselves, and others. When they start to recognized the patterns, the modus operandi from which they’ve acted all those years – that is half the solution. That’s what the 12 Step programs tell us. Once we know more about ourselves, we can begin, with the help of our sponsors and others in the program to determine other options of being in the world. And we do have other options – usually, a myriad of options. Speaking for myself, when starting out in 12 Step work it became clear to me that I’d just never been taught the critical thinking process, or had the helpful modeling from others that could best support me with solutions.
So, as we reach out in the spirit of “fellowship” for solutions, asking for help, we receive suggestions. We start to learn how to find our own options and also learn from other’s mistakes so that we don’t have to make them too. What does this mean? It means we make progress. Situation by situation, as we try new options we experience more success, our comfort level with these new behaviors grows. It’s important for us to be patient with ourselves, and very gentle. We are relearning new ways of living and being that are much more helpful than those we formerly practiced. After years of disappointing results from old behavior, these new ways of being need to be seen for what they are in the beginning – baby steps. As we become more comfortable, and more confident, our self esteem grows and we start to see who we really are. We start to remember that we are children of a Higher Power, and we become available to do God’s work.
Affirmation for the Day – ” I am learning what works.”
Remember to say the affirmation at least 3 times whenever you remember it, preferably in front of a mirror.
– If you find this helpful, pass it on to others. For daily updates, press the orange RSS feed to the right for directions.
January 26, 2010
· Filed under Uncategorized · Tagged 12 Step Programs, AA, Addictions, Alanon, Alcoholism, Codependency, Detaching With Love, Healthy Living, Recovery, The Tools of the Program, What Works, White Knuckling
Watching a newcomer struggle through the challenges of new sobriety without the helpful foundations available in the 12 Step programs can be very painful, as well as uncomfortable. Some in the 12 Step programs call newcomers sliding by without the support available “white knuckling it.” Those of us with some extended years of sobriety based on the 12 Steps or some other program that we use regularly (at least 2 times or more per week) see how using tools that work makes a difference. When people only dance on the edges of what can preserve sobrietyand sanity and still continue the unhelpful, unhealthy behaviors that went along with the drinking, they are not in the solution.
There is a learning curve, and we DO what works to learn about it. The 12 Steps give us a lesson plan so to speak, of what works. And, a tool kit of solutions. There are some other programs that do this too. I don’t know as much about the other programs, but when people actively apply what all of these programs suggest on a regular basis, and actively seek out and use, through sponsorship, the support of others who’ve had success, it works. They stay sober. More importantly, they can show up as people they can be proud of, and make contributions to other’s lives as well.
Right now, a newcomer close to us seems angry most of the time. It doesn’t seem to matter what the rest of us do or don’t do. This person in their first year of sobriety wants to do it their way, and they don’t seem to be very happy. Little blips of healthy results happen for them, but they don’t seem to be able to maintain themselves in a calm, serene and sane place. They get angry and bully when people share honest feelings with them. They over react and get defensive without cause. A meeting a week doesn’t seem to be enough. Not reaching out for support to others doesn’t seem to be working for them either. We can see that they are suffering. And there’s nothing any of the rest of us can do except take care of ourselves, and pray for them. It’s not easy. Their learning curve can’t be at the expense of others. We care about them, and we can’t fix it for them. We all hope that keeping our eyes on ourselves and staying in gratitude for our blessings will give our newcomer the space to start making choices that work. We are giving the newcomer to our Higher Power. Detaching with love, attending Alanon meetings and working the Steps with our sponsors are what works for us. Thank you God!
Affirmation for the Day – ” I am taking care of me today.”
Remember to say the affirmation at least 3 times whenever you remember it, preferably in front of a mirror.
– If you find this helpful, pass it on to others. For daily updates, press the orange RSS feed to the right for directions.
January 23, 2010
· Filed under Uncategorized · Tagged 12 Step Work, AA, Alanon, Codependency, Courage, Fellowship, Healthy Living, Recovery, Sobriety
It takes great courage to face our darker side, the wreckage of our past. When we honestly review the hurtful things we’ve done to others, and to ourselves it can be very painful. We experience the actual feeling of emotions that we’ve avoided for years, or in some cases decades.
And we are not alone in this. Most everything that I’ve heard when listening to someone’s 5th Step I’ve heard someone else talk about before. These verbal revelations do not make me think any less of the people who share them. On the contrary, I think more of them for having the courage to be so rigorously honest and allow themselves to be vulnerable with these disclosures. It is a great honor to be entrusted with this information as a confidential partner in their recovery journey. The fear involved can be paralyzing, even causing some people to stop breathing until I gently remind them to take some deep breaths.
And, they are not alone. The stories they’ve carried around with them all these years that have caused shame and guilt and self-loathing are finally released and so are they from the darkness and isolation each story imposed. The pain maintained by these secrets has less to feast on as people continue working through the Steps. From Step 4 through Step 9 and 10, we are purging the obstacles to a happy, joyous and free life. Free of restrictions from experiencing a new paradigm of how life can be for us. We begin to see what is working, we can live in fellowship with others and things do get better. The people in 12 Step programs will be there for us as we approach, and take the leap of faith over each hurdle on the journey.
Affirmation for the Day – ” I am walking through the fear.”
Remember to say the affirmation at least 3 times whenever you remember it, preferably in front of a mirror.
– If you find this helpful, pass it on to others. For daily updates, press the orange RSS feed to the right for directions.
